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The missing martial arts

February 7, 2006 10:00 PM EST | Martial Arts | Email to Friend

As a form of sport or exercise, it serves as training for warfare. Being ruled astrologically by the planet Mars, it’s a term applied to ‘venomous animals, or plants with violently active properties’!An authority recently described 170 different forms of the martial arts, ranging from Aikido to Zendo, maintaining new ones were invented virtually every week by some self-styled master who had either rediscovered some long lost art in an obscure backwater, or had devised some ingenious use for a hitherto unused body part. The arts covered every letter of the alphabet, apart from E, Q, V, and X. Accordingly, I have striven to render complete this lexicon of the martial arts. After many years of undertaking diligent research in the snowy mountain fastnesses of Japan, the rain forests of Borneo, and the nether regions of Nana Plaza, Bangkok, I have rediscovered the missing arts, which I have pleasure in presenting to novelty-seeking martial arts’ aficionados for your delectation. They are as follows:

1. Ebrangling: an exclusive, particularly hard form indulged in by edentulous geriatrics in order to effatuate their opponents. Simply put, the toothless-ancients dismount from their Zimmer frames, shuffle, successfully grapple, and ultimately clench their partners in a bear hug, violently shaking them so as to render them besotted, dull or stupid.

2. Quitching: protagonists attempt to outwit their opponents, employing techniques such as fiendishly feinting by making sudden involuntary movements, somewhat in the Bruce Lee style, without the accompanying cries from the solar plexus. Quoted by Montaigne as, “I have seen men .. that would neither cry out, twitch nor quitch, for a good swinging beating.”

3. Quelming: an ancient, extremely hard form indulged in by “chyldren, and fornycatours” aiming to torment, kill, or destroy. Sadly, the techniques were expurgated as being too violent for general public consumption.

4. Vezon : a particularly enigmatic form defined by the OED as – “meaning obscure” - quoted by Ward as "Look, look, Joan, how the Vezons fight. Who'd think they were so full of Spite?"

5. Xenelasy: a particularly effective Spartan method to be employed for when we Brits reinvade in order to re-educate you in the correct conventions of spelling and pronunciation. Meaning ‘to drive away’, it employs a variety of free-forms and is the martial art par excellence to be used for the expulsion of foreigners. Incidentally, don’t bother to try and find these names of martial arts in condensed dictionaries like Webster’s or Frank and Wagnall’s, they’re taken from the Bible of the English Language, the Oxford English Dictionary. Likewise, the internet won’t offer you any enlightenment on the modus operandi, or access to the dojos where these forms are practised, either, and I’m keeping the techniques secret in the interests of world peace. SEO Solutions and one way link publicity services provided by LinkAcquire.

David C Skul - CEO and Relativity, Inc. can provide global market exposure and solutions. Independent Author in Thailand

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